Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
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me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.