In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
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8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.