I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
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Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*