I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
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OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Me: *audible toot*
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.