@Darlainky

I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.

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@TweetToTheVoid2

I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?

@lazerdoov

OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE

@pilau

Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone

Me: that’s what cell phones are for

@Pork_Chop_Hair

[enters elevator]

Me: *audible toot*

Them:

Me: I am not here to make friends.

@Parentpains

Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow

@traciebreaux

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

@Mom_Overboard

Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.

Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*

Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.

@dksc4life

MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.

@OctopusCaveman

Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.

[Later]

Friend: Where’d you guys meet?

Me: Family reunion

@IHideFromMyKids

My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.