I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
You Might Also Like
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it