Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
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[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Going to church you guys need anything
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world: