Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
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Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
me and my fake scenarios
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.