Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
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Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.