I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
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godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
dads on road-trips be like
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
I beg your pardon?
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Watermelon Boss!
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”