Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
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Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.