Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
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If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.