I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
You Might Also Like
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
What a website
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
smh
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆