6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
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Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
I’d rather fork than spoon.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
I know karate and tons of other words.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like