me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
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Herpes is trending, good job people
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”