*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
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“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
That’s it.I’m out.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
i was baptized in a car wash
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay