How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
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Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.