Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
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We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
The only equipped I am is ill.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you