Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
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in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father