When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
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My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.