Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
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Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
somebody come look at this
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
This will teach them to underestimate me
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
When can I start eating bats again.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.