Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
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Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”