Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
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*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information