One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
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Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
I came this close!!!!
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
I love art.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?