*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
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I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE