*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
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[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.