“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
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I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Carpe DM
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.