8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
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McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.