One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
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I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.