7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
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the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices