Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
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Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
A dad and his duck
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing