The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
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My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Always a metermaid never a meter
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
what are they serving at kfc then???
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.