“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
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Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
This made me chuckle.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
put ‘er there pardner!
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.