Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
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3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
mood
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
very niche meme I made
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.