My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
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The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
This could’ve been an email.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
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them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Haha good job!!
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.