‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
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I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
If you’re testing me, we failed.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
How do dragons blow out candles?
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.