I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
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As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Something Saturday.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.