HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
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Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
U talkin 2 me?
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
I WON A HAM TODAY
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time