Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
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[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
This 4th of July, please remember…
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?