I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
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[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL