We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
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David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?