Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
You Might Also Like
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human