earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
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No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…