[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
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2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Same post same
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something