I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
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Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork