Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
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me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
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9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Somebody’s lying.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.