I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story

You Might Also Like


*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this


A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’


my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN


there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies


[talent show audition]

Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night

Judge: whose lips are those?


My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.


Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.


Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.


It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁