I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Love is in the air fryer.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.