@BarryVonAwesome

I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story

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@PeachCoffin

*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this

@Storminika

A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’

@noog

my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN

@rachelle_mandik

there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies

@LlamaInaTux

[talent show audition]

Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night

Judge: whose lips are those?

@CM2BTTHD

My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.

@FuckTyping

Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.

@Rollmaninoz

Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.

@TaylorComedy

It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁