I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
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*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
My last name is Zilla.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Whisper out to librarians!
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.