Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
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me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift