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Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
fired
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.