Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
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Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Knock Knock
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson