I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
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A Parenting Story
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”