My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
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DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Sharon I have some bad news
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
no refunds
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.