Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me

All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?

Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.

Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.

I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.

trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”

#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices

Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.

Science is fun!

#nottrue

Godspeed, John Glenn

2nd Rule of Parent Club:

If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.

If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.

[watching TV on couch]

Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.

Her: …

Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?

Her: …

Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?

Pile of blankets: …

DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”

*Groans*

*Sobs*

*sighs*

*a solitary gunshot*

My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE

My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.

The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly

New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need

Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this

[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?

6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?

Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart

pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?

saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?

Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.

Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community

Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.

I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him

GOD, I hope he calls me.

Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?

What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.

A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.

Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.

y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.

this is where I found it today