Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
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Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.